Marriage · Pregnancy

My Infertility Story

With all the posts about it being National Infertility Week, I decided to share my story.

I was really hesitant, I dont like talking about it but after reading other girls posts it has helped me so much. Just by knowing I am not alone.  I hope mine can at least help one person.

I have always wanted to be a mom, I would have loved to have gotten pregnant as soon as we got married. Even though I’m so happy that we got to have so much fun and go on so many adventures just the two of us before Emmitt came.

Jordan and I got married fast, so we took one shot of the depo (how and why doctor’s would give young girls that birth control frustrates me to no end, especially after my experience). The depo shot is supposed to administered once a month and I got the first one shot in January, 2011. I never went back for anymore because my body did not receive it very well. For the better half of a year, that one shot completely messed up my hormones and my menstrual cycle. The shot plagued me for more than a year. Since that one shot, I have not been on any form of birth control to this day. It took us (me) 3 1/2 years to get pregnant with Emmitt.

I think so many girl’s have the fear of not being able to get pregnant and after watching so many friends/family members get pregnant that thought felt like a reality.

After our second year of marriage we wanted to get pregnant so bad (not that we didn’t before) but everyone else around us was having kids, we weren’t getting any younger, and we were excited to start that part of our lives as parents. I knew something was wrong with my body. I rarely have a regular cycle, so I never could ovulate etc. It’s so hard getting older and seeing all the 20 year olds having babies, or couples not even trying and getting pregnant after one try and I had to sit there and count my days religiously and make sure you time the days you are going to “try”. It’s daunting and every month you think your late, when in reality your always late because your cycle is never on time. But, you still get that tiny bit of excitement when you think your belly is growing a little or when, you think you have a tiny bit of nausea. My personal favorite, is being sooooo tired, when in reality  im tired 24/7 anyways. I cant tell you how much money I have spent on pregnancy tests thinking I was pregnant. You know what I mean!

Anyhow, in 2015,  we were finally blessed to find out we were pregnant. Now, we have an amazing 15 month old son, Emmitt. We’re so grateful that we have beeb blessed with this opportunity to raise a child of our own.

That said, while im so grateful for Emmitt, I’m also hurting because we have been trying for 12 of those months to get pregnant again.

I found out a couple months ago that I have PCOS. I don’t quite understand what it is, and how my body is fully effected by it. Other than I not ovulating regularly, when I do have periods, I have the worst cramps in the world. Maybe I can blame my irrational behavior on it?! ha. After being told I had PCOS I was prescribed medication to start my period because I still hadn’t had one since Emmitt. Who chooses to force a period?!?! haha Every month I get a negative pregnancy test, I count down the days till my period starts to be able to hurry and try again.

Starting in January I have taken 2 rounds of femara with no luck. And since I have been out of town for the last three cycles I haven’t been able to take it again till we get back to Utah.

So far it’s been 6 months with medically inducing a period and I am still not pregnant.

Today is my birthday and today is also the day I got to take a pregnancy test to see if this months cycle was successful, sadly it’s not.

I swear my Instagram is only mommies who just had babies or are currently pregnant. Im so happy for them, but it makes me sad to. I know, I already have a son, and like I said before I’m so grateful for him but it doesn’t make not being able to get pregnant again any easier.  We so badly wanted Emmitt and our other child to be no more than two years apart.

Infertility no matter how many kids you have, if any at all is hard. so hard. It’s hard to talk about how this affects me. I can talk about it to others fine, but inside I want to cry because I’m so jealous of those that are growing their cute little families. I know I am grateful for so many things in my life. I honestly do have so much fun and we are always doing something, but sometimes its okay to feel sad. I feel like I cant talk about my struggles because it isn’t easy for me and I say things jokingly all the time, or I’m afraid I will get “well you should just be grateful you have a kid”. So, I decided to share my story and hope that someone who is struggling to have their 2nd, 3rd, 10th isn’t alone and it’s okay to be sad about it.

If we arent pregnant by the end of the summer, we will be doing IVF. We are hoping that we get lucky and save ourselves some money, but we are just looking forward either way to growing our family. If anyone has some helpful tips about IVF I would love to hear/know them!

 

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